Guess who’s back? Yup me crushed more than ever but hanging on.

So the last blog I posted was about last week when I was getting a bunch of positive pregnancy test. Several – not like 1 or 2 but like 10. So I was really really confident that I was pregnant. I had the symptoms – I was sick, moody, tired, cramps, tightness & so much more. Out of all the 5yrs of trying this time really felt like it was it. I even for the first time picked up some baby clothes on clearance at Target because I really thought it was it.

I ended up calling the doctor and asking for a blood test so I could check my levels. I had that done on a Thursday, but I called on Friday and they didn’t have them back yet so I had to wait all weekend and half of Monday before they called at like 4pm. She said that my HCG levels were only at 1. For it to be positive it needs to be over 5. To make matters worse I was out to eat with my mom and brother so when she called I tried to hold it together. I ended up breaking down and of course my mom wanted to know why. I just told her that it was my PCOS and nothing was working. I didn’t want to tell her about what I had been going through because honestly she doesnt understand. She tells me that I either need to lose weight or have sex every single day all day. Yes because that is how you become magically prego. Anyways I held it together and carried on with what we were doing. Luckily she took little man and I headed home .

Ohh wait I cant forget the huge banana split I ate to make my sorrows go away – that only lasted 20min

The whole way home I bawled my eyes out trying to think of why, what if’s, and just so confused. An old friend of mine had left a cd in my car and I popped it in thinking maybe it could help me. Sometimes listening to music during a difficult time can be very comforting. This was the song that really touched me and just fit perfectly to how I was feeling.

So here I was confused as to why I felt prego, why I was having all the symptoms and of course all the positive test. I was so sure it was it that I even made a YouTube video for the hubby that had pictures from when we first got together and then up until now & at the very end it said “ready for round #2 coming 2013″. This is how I was going to surprise him because I figured he would have no clue until the end and be totally shocked. I watched the video over and over again and just played how his reaction would be. After hearing the results I couldn’t keep myself together. I came home all alone and hubby wouldn’t be home for another 4hrs so I laid in the recliner in the dark, listening to this song over and over again and just sobbing. Hubby finally came home and we had actually had a disagreement the day before so we weren’t really talking a lot but he did come home and laid next to me on the recliner just holding me and crying with me. He can be a butt sometimes but he sure knows how to make me feel better. We talked a bit and since it was New Years Eve we decided that we should head over to a friend’s house for dinner instead of sulking.

So can you guess what happened that following morning? Yup AF started :,(

Not only did she start but she came full force doing some damage. I was in so much pain that I laid on my parents couch all day long with a heating pad. Of course she had to make an appearance just to rub it in my face that I wasn’t pregnant.

So what do I think happened? Well I think it was a chemical pregnancy. Very heartbreaking because I had one last month as well. I have no clue what I have to do to conceive and have a healthy and happy baby just like I did with Rhylan. I had this path that me & so many other women have to go through to conceive something we want to badly. I pray that this is the year that I will get pregnant – 5 yrs is seriously long enough. Before I know it Rhylan will be 10 and then I will have to start all over.

So here we are at square one again – Its cycle day 6 and this month I did a round of 150mg Clomid. OB said this will be my last round and if its not successful we will be heading to the RE Fertility Clinic. I am going to try try try to not test before 2wks this round. Last month I swear I wasted abut 50 test strips, so I need to get real this time. I am praying praying praying this cycle is it – I am sick of trying, begging, wishing I just want it to happened. I am so tired of seeing everyone on Facebook having babies, or getting pregnant. It seriously doesn’t make this process any easier

So hopefully my next update with be me showing some big BFP’s because on the 29th I will be turning 26 and how amazing would that be? Best birthday ever